My Horoscope for this Week

I would like to thank my friend Sam for pointing out my horoscope in this week's Onion. It is as follows:

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
Classical musicians worldwide will be out for your blood when you compose the brilliant but torturous-to-play Punishment Symphony For Orchestral Dipshits.

I would like to dedicate this symphony to the wonderful members of the Saint Louis Symphony Orchestra. Because the are currently on strike, I may not get to see their performance of Gustav Holst's, The Planets, which they are scheduled to play in February. Thank you SLSO for shattering my dream of seeing The Planets live.

As much as I'd like to be on the musicians' side of this whole ordeal, I just can't justify it. When they are making $70,000+ for a 42 week-a-year contract, do they really need any more money?